It all started with boundaries

On creating patterns that encourage intimacy and security

Actually, it all started with micro-breaches of trust over decades and my eventual boundary-setting response. Holy h*ll, I had no idea what was coming—schooling from the universe in how to build boundaries, followed by teaching myself what a healthy response to my boundaries should be. Then, what does it mean, and what do I do when people don’t respect them? I cringe and feel pride when I return to those early moments—the discomfort, shame, nausea, insecurity, and eventual relief and confidence.

TL;DR: boundaries are for the person setting them

They are self-protection through behavioral modifications. Boundary setting is a skill you can learn. Support your nervous system when experimenting with boundaries. 

What are boundaries

Boundaries are not statements like, “Don’t talk to me like that.” They are self-protection measures, usually verbal expressions and behavioral modifications, like “When you raise your voice, I’m not going to engage with you. Let’s try again later when we’re both calm. [Leave the room.]”

A lack of boundaries is conditioned

I likely had watery boundaries early as a condition of belonging. Setting limits was seen as selfish and uncaring in my family. I’m still untangling that, but this particular boundary story starts in adolescence when I wanted to confide in my mother about the pain of being a girl—struggles with friends, my body, school, moving, and more.  

I have distinct memories of telling my mom things that felt private, then hearing her on the phone with people—neighbors, aunts, my godmother, my grandma—sharing intimate details about my experience. It felt like a phone tree to broadcast my stories, sometimes accompanied by her emotions (tears) and stories about how my experiences made her feel or were difficult for her. 

When I raised my grievance, she sometimes said, “But I need to share it with someone.” I started to believe that my experiences were too much. Thus, I was too much.

I went through phases of bringing up my need for privacy. My mother ignored me, and I excused her by thinking, “That’s just the way she is,” and “It’s not so bad.” Then, worse, “If I want to accept her support, I must accept her inability to keep things private.” It became a condition of her support. Still, I hoped that when it mattered, she could keep something private, especially when asked. Sadly, whether it was a chronic illness, pregnancy, or pregnancy loss, the seriousness of the issues didn’t seem to have a real bearing. 

The information seemed to be currency for connecting with others. Looking back, I was in a precarious position: I needed discretion, but I also desired guidance and support as a woman and daughter. I often felt like I was asking too much. I wondered if I was a burden. Was my life such a sh*t show that it was too much for another to even hear about?

I even provided caveats, like another “safe person” she could talk to you when my problems were too much. In all these conversations, she never replied with 1) I’m sorry, 2) you’re not too much, 3) I want you to feel safe. Usually, I was met with how-dare-you anger, “I do so much and can’t do anything right,” and even once, “Maybe you just shouldn’t tell me.”  

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I feel sadness knowing these are likely shame responses for her, and the need to share may reflect an inability to regulate emotions, etc. I have compassion for her: She learned this along the way, too, and I believe she desires intimacy. Sadly, when I brought it up to her, her behavior and replies to my requests always had an undercurrent of being out of control.

Through my boundary work, I partially resolved this because I changed my behavior. Sharing details is still a condition of my mom’s support, but confidentiality has become non-negotiable for me.

Though I sometimes fall back to old patterns, I am learning to trust what feels safe and observe what I feel in my body.

And anytime I decide, intimate access is denied. (Btw, this is what Dr. Ramani calls an internal boundary, and you could say that most of my previous “boundary-setting” was just stating needs or expectations.)

I inherited disempowering narratives about boundaries and learned harmful patterns of invalidation, codependency, excusing poor behavior, self-silencing, unworthiness, and more—and I am untangling them every day.

Musings on this muddy process

For the record, I am not a psychologist, but I am an experienced boundary-setter. Here are some things that came up for me when learning how to build boundaries:

• I inherited and exercised some of these unhealthy patterns, and I’m working on this

• A person speaking a boundary is vulnerable. They share what they need to feel safe, comfortable, and loved. Consider the effort made as a sign of love and desire for secure engagement

• In observations of relationships between women, I observed that closeness is dependent on overindulging in stories, gossip, and oversharing everything

• A lack of boundaries is a learned coping mechanism and often a pattern indicative of shame and low self-worth

• All adults, particularly parents, may choose to heal and create healthier patterns—or not

• Requiring accountability in relationships does not diminish compassion. Holding someone accountable can be an act of compassion

• Not everyone is deserving or capable of closeness

• You can have different levels of intimacy and boundaries in relationships

• I have learned so much about boundary setting as a loving parent to a toddler

• Like any new skill, boundaries take practice, experimentation, and failure 

• Eventually, I found people who said, “Thank you for teaching me how you want to be treated” (sigh! Relief!)

Responses I’ve received when setting boundaries

Responses to boundaries are very telling. Pay attention to them. Here are some actual responses I’ve received (no wonder this was such a complex pattern to disrupt).

• “You are out of line.”

• “How dare you…” and other aggressive or angry statements

• “My intent was…” with no follow-up about their impact or initiation of repair

• Negotiation tactics that are overtly transactional or coercive, “But if you do that, then I’ll do this” or “I won’t do that until you do this.”

• “I do so much for you…” or similar redirection

• Waterworks (tears) or storming off that decenter repair or intend to reverse caregiving, validation, and responsibility roles

• “We always have to tip-toe around you.”

• “You didn’t bring this up in the moment, so it doesn’t count now.”

• “You’re so selfish.”

Stay tuned to learn how to respect boundaries.

From sidewalk chicken to le pause

When I first started setting boundaries, I was clunky and awkward and riddled with self-doubt, anxiety, and self-flagellation about how others perceived me, how they received my words, or how I should be. My “boundaries” would come out at weird times—or be aggressive, evasive, or somewhere on the spectrum of totally inexperienced. I felt guilt, shame, and resentment, even for boundaries around text reply times or personal space.

I needed something to break the pattern. So, I started pausing to create space and observe myself and others.

In some backstory, my brother used to play this game I dubbed “sidewalk chicken.” He’d take up space on the sidewalk and see if or when people would move out of the way. In retrospect, it was pretty easy for a 6’2” white man to prompt people to get out of the way just by being. But when I started trying this, too, I was overwhelmed with discomfort (to clarify, I only tried to take up my appropriate portion of the sidewalk). Ooof, taking up space was tricky. Holding a physical boundary was hard.

This game evolved into Le Pause, a moment of deliberate stillness in the face of pressure. (And yes, Le Pause was also inspired by Bringing Up Bébé’s Le Pause, where parents are encouraged not to intervene in every sound or experience of a child.) Le Pause is the presence of a pause, stillness, or quiet in the face of discomfort.

I used to fill that quiet space in conversation with offers and words, which often got me into trouble and illuminated my lack of boundaries. 

I untangled a lot when I learned this technique to quiet my desire to fix, control, and help. This was a critical step for me in my boundary journey, though I am still struggling to articulate why—maybe because it helped me distinguish between what was mine and what wasn’t and where taking up space was difficult.

In a version of this tactic, I started practicing saying, “I’ll think about it and get back to you.” I practiced in the mirror, said it to myself as I walked around the house, and used it with safe people, then with people I didn’t know or even trust. I am sharing this because I had to start from the beginning (*cringe*) and support my nervous system in disrupting my patterns of codependency.

Quickstart guide to boundaries

Come up with and practice a few phrases and techniques until they become second nature in your conversations:

• “I’ll get back to you with an answer.” If you want, you can include a timeframe

• “Let me think about it and get back to you.”

• Three deep intentional breaths during uncomfortable moments with others or when fielding indirect requests (like, “But I don’t want to go alone [pause that is supposed to cue your complicit response]”), then just be still

Liv Karna Nau taught me about a dedicated waiting practice and the phrase, “Go slow.” Apply this to everything you do. Slow down and attune inward, again and again. FWIW, if a dedicated waiting practice is too tricky or certain people negotiate with you, adopt a carte blanche “no” response to all requests. 

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How to build boundaries

In retrospect, this process was revolutionary on a cellular level. I’m proud of that girl who swallowed her fear and used her voice anyway. Here’s a short list of learnings:

1. Boundaries are for you 

2. People’s reactions to your boundaries are about them

3. Spoken boundaries are a sign of hope

4. Behavioral modifications are effective

5. You do not need to justify or explain your boundaries

6. Impact matters more than intent

7. Boundaries sift out emotionally immature adults

8. Boundaries are a skill that you can refine

9. Setting boundaries may be messy (at first)

10. Boundaries with safe people will feel spacious

11. You can change your mind

12. It is okay to speak your needs later

13. Repair is essential

14. Know when to walk away or play the “inside game”

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Spellcast: cast a shield of protection

Energetic boundaries and certain physiological practices are immensely helpful when setting verbal and behavioral boundaries. I imagine a violet bubble around me when I am having difficult conversations or asking for pretty much anything. I’ve also played with storm energy, rose bushes with thorns, and even mirrors.

First, it emanates from around my heart and expands far beyond my physical body, even my physical location. If I am not lying down, I may incorporate some body movements that take up space: I stand wide and firm on the ground and extend my arms up and out like a star.

Once my bubble vibrates with density, I bring it back as a powerful shield around my body, perhaps about 4-5 feet around me. It is only impenetrable by choice. I decide what goes in and out.

Here are some affirmations to accompany this exercise—or make up your own:

• I decide what comes in and out

• It is safe to take up space and set boundaries

• I am worthy of respect, protection, and boundaries

• Boundaries are for me and are part of healthy self-respect

• My boundaries build (i.e., do not diminish) love and kindness in healthy relationships

• I am capable of knowing my limits and what feels best for me

• Boundaries protect me from imbalances in power

*I recognize that I am privileged, and the exercises and suggestions in this post are based on physical safety that many people do not have and that many people experience violence when setting boundaries. Call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline if you or someone you know experiences domestic abuse in the United States.