Self-worth is a strange and nebulous concept. It is easy to nod and say, “Yes, I’ve got that,” but I’ve realized that many of my obstacles are sourced in low self-worth. So what is this wondrous thing, and how do we get it? How do we create a temple to spirit within so steadfast that it can navigate growth, transformation, healing, feedback, real life, hardships, and even lay the ground for true abundance and joy? I won’t have answers, but we can start together, feeling our way, stone by stone.
A Web of Stuckness
I recently had a dream that was so glaringly obvious and startling that it burned into the haze of my waking life. I usually forget my dreams or only remember them when I ask explicitly. In the days before this dream, I’d been asking for guidance—and I requested that it be clear and easily deciphered.
I’ve been struggling with finding my voice and understanding the flow of my creative expression. Where does it want to be directed? What is my purpose in all of this? Why does it feel so risky in my subtle body to express myself? Behind this, why am I here? Indecision was rampant (and still is some days). These are just run-of-the-mill existential questions for a regular day of stuckness in late-stage capitalist patriarchy—and a great way to learn about a web is to be curious about the spider that created it.
I’m Down To Inspect The Spider
In my dream, I was with my family of origin in a comfortable but unfamiliar living room. My mother and I cooked and tidied while my brother and father talked. A large tarantula emerged on the arm of a chair. It was dark and light brown and the size of my open hand. I saw it first, then my mother. My brother saw it but didn’t acknowledge it; my father couldn’t see it. I was the most vocal about pointing out the spider, gesturing and yelling, “Can’t you see it?” It moved quickly down toward the floor. My father got onto the floor on all fours and tried to look for the tarantula. The spider then jumped on his head. I started yelling, “It’s on your head!” He was spinning around and couldn’t see it. My mom was trying to help him. At this point, the interaction was comical. I was laughing. He shook off the spider, and it landed on the floor. I covered it with a large clear jar and then inspected it. No one else wanted to admire the spider. I kept asking, “Can you see it now? Don’t you want to see it close up?” Nope.
When I awoke, this dream made me laugh at the beauty of its simplicity. I was observing aspects of my life, woven narratives, and patterns. I was inspecting what others didn’t want to look at. I was doing this because it was the only way for me.
I may want others to join me, see what I see, and contain and observe the spider. But this work is mine. It is the heroine’s journey, and parts of it are solitary. However, I can hang with others willing to observe their unique spiders! That’s why I am here, expressing myself. Are you in? Options: bear witness to my journey, inspect your spider, and let’s compare notes.
Here are realizations that arose while I considered self-expression:
You’re Not That Special + Other Fears
I am not original. When I felt stuck and scared, my dear friend Karna replied to this concern with, “You’re not that special.” I laughed because it was such a surprising comment, but I immediately felt the levity this realization brings. This is sage advice.
You’re not special in the way that no one is special. You’re special in the way that everyone is special.
The gift of this realization is the dismantling of overthinking, anxiety, and the pressure of performance. Here are other fears that arise for me:
I will be punished for sharing my experience
Sharing my experiences will hurt others
My efforts won’t yield anything worthwhile
My life won’t matter
I am casting those fears aside (or working to assuage them) in honor of expressing my truth and building a bedrock of self-worth.
Expression Is Part of Self-Actualization
I am writing about my experiences to create space, heal, transform, and individuate—to self-actualize and uncover deeper purpose and meaning. I am writing to help others along the way—to impart that it is safe for them to share their stories, heal, and untangle their purpose from what they were conditioned to believe or do.
I am dedicated to truth, healing, and disrupting harmful patterns and systems
I am a cycle breaker—of intergenerational trauma and other patterns and barriers
I am learning to follow my intuition after years of being conditioned otherwise
I am unveiling my authentic self by reparenting and building inner trust and safety
I am moving away from deficiency motivations and toward self-actualization for my Maslow nerds out there
Self-Worth Is The Bedrock I Seek
Everything on my journey comes back to self-worth. I have a nasty track record of self-betrayal to please/appease others, and it has led to illness, despair, and imbalance. I also have inherited a belief that my worth is in service of others. When you learn that being “lovable” means being “good” and not a burden, it takes some deep inner work, ritual, and mind-hacking to unlearn—and to replace it with “you are worthy and deserving as you are.” For the record, I am working with self-worth because self-love feels overused, unclear, and co-opted by the marketing industry and influencers as superficial bubble baths and toxic positivity.
Here’s what I am working with:
Low self-worth underlies most of my fear, self-judgment, and shame cycles. It hinders my ability to experience connection, intimacy, joy, love, abundance, and beyond. High self-worth is cultivated through self-respect and self-trust. I seek a bedrock of self-worth for all the wonderful things: receptivity, joy, creativity, and beyond.
My worth is not based on how productive I am or how much I serve and care for others. Shining my brightest does not mean I will outshine others; if I do, that is not my problem. I am teaching my nervous system that:
It is safe to make mistakes and be imperfect
It is okay to pause, create space, and ask for time
It is creative to pivot and adapt
It is safe to rest
It is my divine journey to shine and be radiant
Of course, telling myself these things is different than integrating them somatically. Stay tuned.
My “Ugly” Picture Experiment
For years, I only took pictures plastered with a smile, careful to make sure my eyes were (faux) shiny. I look at these pictures now and think: this girl is trying so hard—so hard to make people happy, not be a burden, take up less space, not shine too brightly, and be attuned to others at her expense. All of that self-betrayal, in truth, led to some glossy pictures, but a lot of sadness exists even now in those two-dimensional images.
I spent the last few months craving wild and fierce pictures of myself—non-smiling pictures of myself. I didn’t have any, so I started taking some. It turns out that taking non-smiling pictures feels very strange and often results in forced expressions. At first, I called them “ugly” pictures because they felt so foreign. I genuinely had a reaction of disturbance when I was not smiling—like non-smiling me wasn’t pretty or lovely or acceptable.
I’ve also taken my share of images to document the real sadness and loneliness I’ve felt as a mother in a late-stage capitalist patriarchy that devalues the time, energy, work, and existence of women (and is just straight-up violent toward women).
I highly recommend this practice, if only to capture these moments for yourself—to remind yourself of your fortitude, growth, and strength. In my experience, seeing those photos now doesn’t drum up more sadness; they remind me to love all the parts of myself. They are stones I’ve placed as a bedrock of self-worth.
A new friend and photographer helped me capture some photos where I feel like myself. Thanks, Stephanie. I also must share another kudos to the sweetest Karna for volleying these photos with me.
How can you truly know yourself if you cherry-pick the parts of you that are lovable and acceptable by condition?
It is illuminating to take these “ugly” pictures and have them surface in my photo stream. I feel love for all these versions of me. And when I don’t, I approach that version with kindness, like a tender friend. Knowing thyself means knowing that spider.
Spellcast: Take Fierce Portraits For Your Inner Temple
Spellcasters, let’s work on loving all these wild parts of ourselves by documenting their existence and practicing loving-kindness.
Ask a friend for help, one you’re comfortable putting your boudoir face on with. Or, get a selfie stick or your travel tripod and set it up
Find a time and place where you can play
Start taking photos or selfies
Prompts for working with the lens:
Smile and get it out of your system, then capture your face just afterward
Look at a future version of yourself, ask for guidance, and receive
Look into the eyes of your past self and let words of encouragement
Talk sexy to yourself
Conjure your inner child or adolescent and tell her you admire her navigational skills
Invite softness and kindness and direct that to yourself. Let that softness and awaken, rekindle, or blossom
Check out your photos. Don’t judge or pick them apart. Thank yourself in all forms for showing up. Print a few. Send some to people you love, and let them love all the parts of you, too.
Start gathering these pics as you build your inner temple of acceptance and devotion that is unconditional
This might all take some practice. You’re here, and you’re doing it. Me too.